


Thanks for the Memories

by nitohkousuke



Category: Kamen Rider Ex-Aid
Genre: Break Up, F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamorous Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 09:56:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13074450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nitohkousuke/pseuds/nitohkousuke
Summary: Self Indulgent Vent fic based vaugely on my life and ideas that came from the new vcinema coming out.Nico and Taiga break up and Taiga makes bad decisions.





	Thanks for the Memories

It's 3 am. Several years ago, Taiga could always be found already awake and drinking coffee that would probably one day kill him. Coffee and caffeine pills and energy drinks and anything else that was vaguely caffeinated that he could stand. On bad nights when he had nothing the next day, it was alcohol and coffee. A mix he'd yelled at several clients for downing and ending up in his clinic. A mix that he knew was definitely bad for him. But what did bad matter when his life was already damaged and waiting to be used up? What did it matter?

Two years ago, 3 am would find Taiga buried in bed an arm wrapped around his girlfriend, sound asleep. No nightmares. No coffee. No unholy concoctions to fight the nightmares. A sense of self worth and self preservation. Sometimes, he found himself with Emu or with Hiiro or with Kiriya. Once or twice with Dan. He wasn't alone. He had a family. He was loved. Which was more than he ever thought he deserved. More than he ever thought he could have. More than he ever thought would happen to someone who'd honestly lost the right to even be a person some days.

Last year, 3 am would find Taiga sometimes in bed sound asleep. Clean of nightmares. Nico near by. Usually the two sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. It found him less in the beds of those he'd been close with. Sometimes, it found Taiga in the kitchen, as quiet as possible downing his coffee as he pretended Nico wasn't in the other room on the phone with some dude she'd met in America that she'd spent more and more time with.

Taiga wasn't an asshole. Really. He wasn't. If he was allowed to date Emu, Hiiro, Kiriya, and Dan.....there was no reason why Nico wasn't allowed to date some guy in America.

….There would be a sense of fear in his soul. Paranoia. Anxiety. A sense of unease. That he'd down with a shot of vodka in his coffee. That he'd drown with trying harder to keep Nico's attention that suddenly seemed impossible to keep a hold of. That he'd ignore the others for the sake of maintaining this relationship. That he'd spent less and less time with Emu. With Hiiro. With Kiriya. That he'd snap at them for things that were unreasonable for even him.

“ _I'm uninterested in hanging out with all you tonight.....” Taiga mumbles running a hand through his hair. Nico's in America again. He's gotten a handful of texts in three days. He's a reasonable person really._

“ _....Taiga, you really need to hang out with your friends.” Emu mumbles. He can see the concern on his face. Taiga doesn't process it. Doesn't understand it._

_Taiga feels like she's the only one who even pays attention to him now a days. Everyone is so busy with life for reasons Taiga can't be mad about. Emu has finals and internships, and Hiiro has gotten more and more surgeries. Kiriya's got his work cut out for him with the different programs he's been assigned to. Even Dan.....Taiga can't be mad about the way he hasn't seen or connected to anyone he was once closer to. Things are just bad right now. They'll change once Emu graduates and Hiiro learns how to balance life and work. And when Kiriya can catch a break. Things will get better. It's just the circumstances. It's nothing else. Really._

“ _Listen just because things are weird with Nico-” Taiga drowns out the rest of what he's said. Weird with Nico? Everything is fine with Nico. Everything is fine. There's a piece of the puzzle that fits in a way Taiga can't even see. A part of him that realizes something he cannot yet._

It's 3 am. Taiga finds himself staring at the phone. Trying to read the whole conversation over and over again. His heart is pounding. His head hurts. His eyes are wet with.....they would be wet with tears if Taiga cried. But he didn't. He never let anyone see him cry. He didn't let people see him hurt. But there's no one here and thats the problem isn't it? There's no one here and there should be. So Taiga is crying.

_Can't I love both of you equally?_

**He doesn't want to move to Japan. Are you going to travel between the two forever?**

_I can afford it. What does it matter?_

**Why did you even move in with me if you didn't want to be here?**

_I do want to live there!_

**Why did you buy an apartment with him then?**

_Because I want to be with both of you!_

**You never even told me about it. I didn't even know you two were sharing beds let alone buying an apartment together.**

_I'm uncomfortable that I have to tell you everything I do._

**I tell you what happens with the others.**

_Can't you just trust me?_

**You can't communicate with me. Why should I trust you?**

_That hurts. We're supposed to trust eachother._

**We're supposed to communicate.**

_I don't need to tell you every little thing I do!_

Taiga pauses and reads over the messages. He thinks back on the last year. The puzzle piece he'd put in place suddenly makes more sense. And he hates it. He takes a swig from the bottle before typing a message he knows in possibly uncalled for and unfair. But he's hardly the most unfair person in this situation, isn't he?

**Equal? Hardly. You love him more than me, don't you?**

Nico's response is instantaneous. He knows exactly how she'd respond. Part of him thinks its why he said it, because he knows what's going to happen. Even if he doesn't want it to. So the second he sees the response, he's not even remotely surprised. He knows Nico. Or....he doesn't anymore. That's the problem isn't it? Because over the past three years....or at least the first half....he'd seen Nico transform into a person who cared for others. Who saw how others struggle and learned to put others before herself sometimes. And in the past year....he'd seen all of that come undone.

_WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?_

Usually, Taiga is calmer. He never lets anyone see how he really feels. Or at least, he tells himself that. He can hide his tone. He can hide his face. But his feelings always pour out of his eyes in ways he can never control. Sometimes it leaks into his voice. A waver. A crack. A pause he'd tried to prevent. Text makes it easier. He can process and wait. He can hide every single feeling he's ever felt.

...Taiga stopped caring several text messages ago.

**WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME.**

**Why are you even marrying me?**

**Why do you even live here?**

**Why are you destroying three years of something for a guy you barely met half a year ago?**

**Would you even agree to marrying me if I asked you now?**

Taiga puts his phone down and takes a long sip from the bottle again. He grimaces. It's a little more than he can take. It's also not enough. He can still feel the rage under his skin. He can still feel the desperation from his heart. He can still feel the way the screams are trapped in his lungs. He wants to turn back time to half a year ago. Because this isn't his fault? This isn't his fault. Is this his fault?

Leaning back in the chair, Taiga ignores the ping his phone makes. Again. And again. This isn't fair. This isn't right. Nico hadn't told him. He'd agreed without knowing the truth. That this guy wasn't interested in dating anyone else but her. That they'd gotten a place together. With some other gamers apparently. But they shared a bed regularly. Taiga didn't know any of that. But he'd said yes and suddenly he found out, and it wouldn't be right of him to suddenly rescind it.

And he watched. He watched as day by day...it got worse and worse. And suddenly, Taiga realizes. Truly realizes. The puzzle is nearly complete. There are pieces missing but he realizes what colors go in those spots. He knows the exact shape of it.

… _..I promised you Taiga._

_That'd we'd be together?_

_...I don't think I'd say yes now though._

_But I've been planning this for so long..._

...It's not what he expected. He thought he knew. And he does. He does know doesn't he. The bandages he's been putting on broken bones thinking they'd heal. But they won't. Because walking on a broken ankle. Running on a broken ankle that flimsily bandaged and re-bandaged. Taiga knows that it does nothing. He knows. It does more damage than good.

**I'm breaking up with you.**

**I can't do this anymore.**

… **.we can still be friends.**

He feels so sure when he types it. Why are his hands shaking? Why is his heart beating so hard? Why is he crying? Not that Taiga cries. Why his bottle empty like his heart is? Like his life is. Because now he realizes. He can see the puzzle. Truly for what it is. He's pushed everyone away trying to nurse a broken relationship that never had a cure. Never had a fix. He's been a stupid, naive fool.

_I guess that's that then._

**We're through then?**

_Yeah. Bye, Taiga._

And that's it. It's done. It's done and it doesn't feel real. He stares at the text message again and again. His whole world is spinning and he doesn't think it's the alcohol. It's the sheer shock. It's the fact that he'd put so much time and effort. He'd...hurt so many other people for this. And it all crumbled before him. All of this.

Taking a deep breath, he opens up the group chat.

**Nico and I broke up.**

And he closes the group chat only to have his stethoscope go off. A bugster. Perfect timing. Taiga needed to not think. He needed to do something. Of course, standing is difficult. Breathing is difficult. Living is difficult. Existing is difficult. He takes a swig of death coffee, and grabs his driver and gashat. Fighting recklessly is easy.

All of his relationships are damaged or destroyed. He's not sure if he really can make it up to anyone. His whole life is fa ucking shit show. He can feel his skin burn and twist and scream. His lungs explode. His heart cry. Is it his feelings? The ones he never talks about? The ones he pretends he doesn't have? The ones he tried to talk to Nico about? The ones he misplaced? Thinking that everyone hated him and no one wanted him around but really it was that he was isolating himself? That he'd completely misunderstood? That he'd vented to Nico thinking that everyone hated him and everything was just falling apart because life? The ones that were actually his life falling apart as his relationship took more and more energy to try to stop from crumbling at the cost of everything else? Is it the alcohol and caffeine mixed in a way he knows, medically as a doctor, is completely irresponsible especially with himself already on the way to fight?

It's 5 am. Taiga is crumpled in an alleyway. A game clear rings against the sound of the rain. Against the sound his mind buzzing and screaming and churning. Against the sound of the blood oozing onto his nice white jacket.

He looks at his phone for the first time in hours to see a series of messages that he ignores.

**I misjudged the bugster. Injured. Sending location.**

And a part of him thinks this what he deserves. It's not enough. He deserves worse. Saki is still dead. The bugsters are still terrorizing people. Zero day has still not been undone. He's isolated and hurt everyone around him. And now he's bleeding in an alleyway from an injury he knows is decently serious especially with what's in his body right now. It'll take time for this to recover too. Putting their team down a person for a little while.

He hates himself for that too. For being a burden on those he's already hurt. He opens up his phone again to see a series of texts. He can barely process them. Something about being on their way. Something about asking him the extent of his injuries. He does his best to answer. His head is spinning.

**I'm sorry for the way I've been this past year. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for this.**

It's more sorrys than most people here from him. He's not the kind to say these sort of things.

**...I'm going to do better from now on. I'm going to be someone you deserve.**

They deserve that much.

 


End file.
